So you know how, when someone is drunk the truth generally comes out and it comes flooding out. Well, Saturday my drunken night ending with me being dropped off at my ex's place. Which was needed for both of us, yet more confusing than ever. Which I knew it wouldn't be good but it was nice.

Anyway, I got there and he too was pretty smashed. And his sister was not in good mood. Apartment issues. I won't go into deals, but she wasn't happy. She wasn't looking forward to seeing anyone, but she let him let me come over cause she figured both of us need to get a little action. And of course, I can pretty much count on it if I want.

Anyway, before his sister fell asleep. We were all just sitting there talking. He looked at my hand and was like why is it like that it. What's wrong. I'm worried about you, you know I worry about you. I love you and all that.

Okay at this point he know he doesn't have to say he loves me to get anything from me which he should know from the fairly obvious txt I sent that said I wanted him. But he did say he loves me and he has a few times. Of course it only happens when he is drunk. But I really believe a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Unfortunately, his issues are keeping me at arms length. Close enough that he's sure I'll be around, but not close enough that he feels smothered and suffocated.

Now, I wish I could say that I could do the no strings attacted thing, but I can't. I was almost to the point where I gave up on him, but I really haven't. I apparently in my drunkeness, told him about getting some dude's phone number the night before and then I talked and cried about a guy friend I meet recently who I thought was cute, but was with some other girl and then was suprised to see me. I feel bad for that cause these guys really mean nothing to me and there I was talking about it like it just something I tell him. But it was actually the first time I cried when he said it was okay to cry. He usually tells me not to cry. This time was different. *sigh* I just don't know.

So now, I wonder when and if I get to go back to see him again. Next time I don't plan on being so far gone and it will be planned. Well, at least planned on my part cause I was so not prepared to go over there that night. I hadn't shaved for two days. I hadn't showered since early that morning and I was stinky from bars. I just kind of felt gross, but that didn't really matter, so much.

blueberi posted at 2:55 PM