I have absolutely no reason to really be upset. Do I? I hate this feeling they way I do. Things are good. I have a job. I have enought money, barely, but I get by. I have good friends. I look good, well at least I think I do most of the time. Why is it that I don't feel like any guys like me. I mean really. What am I missing?

I thought with the weight loss and getting down to a average size, my self esteem would improve and there would be guys. But nope. I'm stil the same crazy girl with the fat girl complex that thinks no one likes her. I still don't talk much. I can't even for the life of me figure out how to fix that. I want to talk. But I've got nothing to really say to anyone. I want to not be so shy, but it's just not happening. I want to meet guys, but where I don't know. And if I knew where, I wouldn't get any where because I don't talk cause have I said already, I don't know what to say.

Yeah, yeah I could do the standard where do you work and that kind of questions, but I get bored easily and I had do that drill. Generally, you get like one word answers and then you are stuck in some boring lame coversation saying nothing, but hoping to just leave.

Anyway, I just hate feeling the way I do. And what I really want to do, sit down and eat a tub of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. I know that I can't do that. But at the same time it's like who cares, there ain't no one that wants me so why does it matter what I look like. I mean really. Why do I wake up every morning spend time trying to find the best clean outfit and precisely put on my makeup, subtly as so I don't look like a hooker, when in the end no one that matters sees me and no one that is ever really going to matter sees me?

blueberi posted at 10:17 AM

Alright it's time to post again. So this past weekend was filled with fun, karaoke, a hospital trip - not for me, new jeans and a new haircut.

Friday, I got up and sang Karaoke at the bar for the first time in my life. I was just enought buzzed to go up and not care how bad it was. So on a bet, I went up to sing "Like a Virgin" and I only know the chrous so I didn't sing most of it. I was also fortunate enough to have a bunch of people come up there with me. Onyx sang too and everyone else up there I think was just dancing. Anyway, it was a lot of fun. Later on, one of our guys friends dragged me back up on stage to dance. That was pretty fun. Then Shalia and me made a trip to dance in the cage, all in all a good night. Didn't get home until 4 am. Man was I tired.

Missed WW meeting, but made it to my 10:30 Haircut. Yep, I got banged on Sat. Okay I mean, I got bangs. I'll try to post a picture soon of what it looks like. Then did my laundry. Later, we went to a different closer bar with Karaoke. Onyx, sang twice, but times very good. Our other friend, K, sang great as well. I on the other hand did horrible and I'm not sure I will ever sing Karaoke in a bar again, well at least not if I'm still as sober as I was. Anyway, K fell off the stage when she was done and we had to rush her to the hospital so we just sat around and talked for the hours and hours we spent there. We finally got home about 3:30 or 4.

Sunday, we went to find more Karaoke games but we came up empty handed. We grabbed ingredients to make our yummy Fiber one cookies. I made a double batch and K & R, Onyx, and I enjoyed them. Later, we ordered some pizza. I gorged myself. Okay maybe not, but I very much enjoyed my pizza. Mmmmm pizza.

I went home exhausted but finished the night with cooking up food for work. Exercising, both taebo and striptease, then sang a few rounds of karaoke. I so should of gone to bed earlier. I just have so many things I want to do, I don't have time to sleep. I'm about to fall asleep as I type.

blueberi posted at 10:35 AM

Okay so I'm finally getting around to posting. Now that I'm a Platnium Recording artist on My American Idol Karaoke, I just don't have time for this. Okay that shouldn't effect my blog at all since I can't blog from home anymore, which I haven't been able to for a few months. Anyway, I'm loving that game. It says I'm good when I know I suck. It is almost impossible not to get at least Gold, but I also have it on easy. I don't want to put it on hard for fear that I will truely find out how much I suck.

Other than that, I was busy last weekend going and gambling and drinking and bull riding. Eating and gathering Playstation equipment. And to top it all off, I managed to weigh in under goal weight and now I am a lifetime member of weight watchers. It is a pretty unreal feeling, but great. I'm going to save so much money. Yippie.

Well, I suppose I should get to work. I don't have a lot to talk about. Laters.

blueberi posted at 2:19 PM

I'm back. That's right. I'm where the sun shines and the weather's nice and no more parents and family saying "eat something." "I can't believe that's you." "I lost that much once too." Yeah referring to the fact that I may not be able to keep the weight off.

Okay, I know that it's possible that I'm not going to be able to stay this way. But I'm damn well going to try. I just got to keep in mind that it is for me and not anyone else. You know that whole I'm worth it to take care of myself stuff that you are suppose to tell yourself so you feel better. Yep. I've worked too hard to give up. I know somedays, I want to. I think is this it? Is this all there is? I don't know, but I am pretty happy just being by myself, eating well, exercising, working. It's not that bad, but it can be boring at times.

Anyway, I think the weight is okay after all the bad eating. I think I maybe right where I need to be, but I'm tracking pretty close these next few days til Sat. Cause that is the most important day. I must be 150 or less and I'll be at lifetime. That's right no more paying. Yippie. I'll save so much money. I can't wait.

Now for what I got for the Holidays
Dance Dance Revolution - the dance pad was broken when I opened it. I'm going to see if I can take it back and get another one.
Tea - I couldn't believe my mom actually bought it for me.
Necklace, earrings - Mom gave me this early so I could trade it in if I didn't like it. Which I didn't, the one I traded it for so great. Love it.
Pinky and the Brain DVDs - okay haven't got them yet but mom said she was getting them.
Sheets - they are pretty purple and match my bedspread great. They also seems to be staying in place although that is hard to tell after only one night.
Slippers - I had to trade these in. Mom got me monkey ones, which were cute and I love monkeys, but I'm picky and I wanted something more fluffier. So I got these really cute bunny ones.
Penny's Gift card - bought myself a long sleeved tee with stars and a tank top to wear under stuff.
Itunes gift card - still pondering what to get.

I think that is pretty much it. Yeah I'm spoiled. What can I say my family loves me. Well at least most days they do.

blueberi posted at 4:37 PM